|This is not the end.
||[Apr. 26th, 2011|05:19 pm]
Well it's been over a year since I posted last.|
I've been asked to write down what I'm thinking in an effort to straighten it all out.
In that time I have lost my girlfriend of nearly 5 years, my father, my club residencies, my moral compass, and possibly my mind.
Right now I am floating through life trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do in the short time I have left. Waiting for the next paradigm shift to throw me on the ground and wait to see if I can catch up.
Funny how things come full circle. Funny how you can take things for granted and funny how much it hurts when what you had secretly expected finally happens.
Sometimes there's loneliness, sometimes it's replaced by an invincible freedom. Like a pendulum it swings, unlike a pendulum it is not predictable or measurable.
I would be lying if I said I'm okay, but whenever people ask that's what I tell them.
I try to find happiness and it eludes me. I take risks now for the first time in my life. I live for the moment and don't think about consequences but in some brutal misjustice, inevitably the consequences are harsh and unforgiving. If I do think about the possible outcomes of any given choice, I simply don't make it for fear it will be the worst outcome and in all cases so far it has been anyway.
This could be reassurance my passive nature is who I am and should not be changed. Spirituality is hard to come by these days though, and is no sanctuary for my troubled mind.
I recently tried to realign my karma, and have clearly failed. Happiness is a mystery to me now. A fleeting glimpse at something I left behind maybe. There's definitely a lingering notion it is my own doing, even if by not doing anything at all (maybe that's the problem).
Not only am I hurting now but I've also hurt others. This will follow me for a long time and I'm well aware of that. I thought I had a firm grip on social conduct. I thought I'd imagined all of the thoughts that weighed me down previously in life, were some kind of black magic curse. Maybe they are but they are looking a lot more real than ever before.
I try to have fun, to stay positive and sometimes I succeed, but I'm always left with an empty feeling that can't be suppressed or relieved.
I look around me and people aren't without their problems but don't seem to be suffering nearly as much as I do, when making small decisions. I am aware this is a condition and it may pass, but there's not much that I can do sans medication and there is no way I am going down that road again.
I am moving cities to a new place with opportunities and energy. I am apprehensive that I might sink into a pit of loneliness and despair in not knowing too many people there and leaving my friends here but I really don't care anymore. I would rather be in a new location than surrounded by memories that haunt and torture me.
So understandably the girl has moved on. In the weeks after we broke up she saw a few guys, and has already found herself a new boyfriend who she's madly in love with and has been for many months. I am happy she's happy, although the reasons we broke up were due to indiscretions on her behalf with other people, that she had kept secret from me. This is difficult for me. I caught her out once, and she promised she would never do it again, and if she did that she would tell me. I asked her again later out of sheer paranoia and she assured me she had been faithful, and then I turned to guilt for having suspected anything.
Of course it turns out my suspicions were not unfounded or false as I found out years later.
A year has passed now and I still can't even convince a girl to come to dinner with me, but in my mind I've come to the conclusion now that I don't deserve it and that's why. Cold comfort.
Unconditional love might just be an idealism and nothing else and this might be some form of lesson that sometimes the ego needs to be involved.
I still have no idea how to drive that thing though.
As for my Dad, well.
I can't even begin to tell you what I am feeling there. There's not much else to say other than what's happened and the obvious feelings associated with that. So sudden and unexpected. I know I can't change that now and all I have left are the memories of our time together. There's really not much else I can say about that. He died doing something he loved though and the support from his friends and everyone in my life has been beautiful. It's things like that which restore my faith in life but I just wish there was more life without hurt.
There just aren't the right words to paint with.
So I'm not sure if this will help or hinder but there it is.
I'll likely write more later, if there is any more to be said or any elaborations to be had.
If you've read this, there's probably not a lot you can take from it but thanks for reading anyway.